More of this on the morrow Important Notice! I cant believe that I am still having to try to make t - Saturday 08 September 2018

By Heugh Battery

More of this on the morrow Important Notice! I cant believe that I am still having to try to make this clear after all these years, but maybe in the age of fake news and dishonest orange presidents the perception of reality has slipped to one side or another. So please believe me when I tell you that Hamster Racing as promoted and staged by Professor Davis and Lady Barnes of The Time Travelling Tea Tent is completely safe for the creatures involved. (the same cannot necessarily be said of the eager and foolish punters who regularly lose vast sums of money gambling on the results) Hamster Races are conducted under the strictest of Marquis of Queensbury Rules (1836 edition), and veterinarians and other animal experts regularly inspect the living quarters and training regimes of the Hamsters, all of which are valuable pedigree thoroughbreds, which makes looking after their wellbeing not merely morally correct but of the greatest selfinterest to their owners. In fact, many of the more famous Racing Hamsters, such as the semilegendary Shropshire Bob, are so valuable that ownership is through secretive syndicates of enthusiasts, and there are still some lawsuits grinding slowly through the courts owing to disputes arising over the transfer of ownership interests following probate issues. Those Hamsters in the training stables (if I may use such a term) of the Time Travelling Tea Tent are fed on a diet that is scientifically proven to be most beneficial for longterm Hamster health while promoting stamina and strength. Nothing is left to chance, and only the finest malted barley from Norfolk is used in the special secret recipe muesli, along with other carefully sourced ingredients. Obviously, with so much at stake, competition is so fierce as to be extremely cutthroat, which may explain Professor Daviss enormous collection of edged weapons and firearms (all of which, I hasten to make clear, are licensed and legally held), and the precautions that he is forced to take. It also explains the promulgation of rumours by rival Hamster Racing Promoters, which have led to some nasty scenes involving Animal Rights protesters and a standoff with some particularly officious types from the RSPCA. Anyway, the Hamsters are properly looked after, highly trained, and quite obviously thorough enjoy their celebrity status, as can be seen from their happy frolics when introduced into the Arena. You only have to see it for yourself! At the Heugh Battery Museum the weekend of September 8th 9th, part of the fabulous Hartlepool Steampunk Festival.

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